Facing the Troisième (The Third Stage of Life)

The French have a concept called “le Troisième”. It refers to the third stage of life. If we anticipate that we may live to be 90, that third stage refers to the years between 60 and 90. On the other hand, if you think you only have 75 years, it would be from 50 to 75. Where the first stage may be one of building capacity and gaining competence, the second chapter may be one of fully utilizing that capacity and making our greatest achievements.

What of the 3^rd, then? Is it one of decline as our bodies lose some of the hormones that keep as younger looking and vibrant? are we destined to become marginalized as younger, sharper colleagues (or the next generation) want to take over the lead? Does our focus inevitably move from making things happen to making our bodies work by going from doctor to doctor? Are we consumed with grief from the increase in losses that we inevitably experience at this time of life.

Like so many other challenges, opportunities and transitions in our lives, much of this appears to be a function of attitude. Do we look at past generations who have not have the same longevity that we have and assume that we will be gone at a young age and retire? Do we have a sense of grace that suggests we can move through the next stage with security and acceptance and enjoy what comes? Or do we “take it on” and do what we can to optimize our health, stay engaged and try using our wisdom and relationships to continue to make a difference? Or perhaps some combination of the three.

Erik Erickson, the famed developmental psychologist referred to these later years as one of “integrity vs. despair”.

Can we look at our lives and feel that we have lived by our values and thus have a sense of integrity? Or do we feel a sense of despair that we have not accomplished what we should, and our legacy is not one for which we feel pride?

The resolution of this question can come in how we choose to use the later years of our life. Can we make a difference by using the “capital” we have accumulated to have an impact. The capital to which I refer is not only financial or material assets, but spiritual capital, relationship capital, intellectual capital, etc. All these resources can be put into play to move towards the sense of integrity.

There may be a lesson from the other end of life that could be instructive as we consider how one comes to terms with this stage. In the 1970s, research was done to look at why some youngsters growing up in poverty, with very difficult lives became very accomplished while others fell victim to drugs, crime and/or disease. The “invulnerables” had more positive self-esteem and had a sense that they could impact the world while the others felt the world controlled them and there was little they could do. The concept became known as an “internal locus of control” for those who felt they could have an impact while those who felt more like victims had an “external” local of control.

If accepting aging is at least in part accepting that we may not be able to do things we once could with the same physical prowess, the question comes, can I make a difference, accomplish some “bucket list” items and/or enjoy some activities that I didn’t have time for in earlier years?  I recently heard of a man who was a master scuba diver who had done thousands of dives. He was still diving well into his 80s, and he started in his 60s! The Peace Corp has had programs for elders to help in different parts of the world. Mentoring, consulting, and sharing one’s caring and concern as well as wisdom all add value.

I also think there is a parallel to how we address health issues: do we feel doomed and just accept a dismal diagnosis or do we engage as partners in our health with a team of medical professionals and friends to explore the range of options to address the challenge. Are we defined by a diagnosis or see it as a challenge to be addressed and learned from? I don’t think we can minimize the impact of pain, dis-ability and loss; they are often difficult to reckon with. But we have seen people move through them to function in new ways.

Just like we don’t have to let a diagnosis define us, I don’t believe we need to let our age defines us either. My 80-year-old neighbor still trims her trees in a dress. My 92-year-old grandmother helped to start activity programs for the elderly (called “The Tigers’ Den”). My father started his 6th business at age 90. My 70-year-old friend just bought a catamaran and sailed with his wife down the east coast for 9 months. The reality is that statistically we will continue to live longer and longer and have better health as we do so. Defining ourselves in the troisième is key. Recognizing that we may have 25-30 years beyond what used to be called “retirement age” to work with in our lives, means we can decide what is important in how we use that time.

If integrity means living according to our values, what defines our “values”? The best way to determine someone’s values is to look at how they spend their time.

If they value financial security, they work hard to make and save money. If they value helping others, they spend time volunteering or working in the helping professions. If they value beauty, they are artists, go to museums and/or organize their worlds in an aesthetically pleasing way. If they love recreation and reading but providing for their family took precedence during one’s working life, then spending their time in the troisième playing golf and reading is what is important.

So perhaps the resolution of the “integrity vs. despair” dilemma is to define that which is most important at this stage of life, believe that you can make it happen, and spend your differing types of capital to do so. The so-called “Serenity Prayer” may be applicable her: “God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” And, with any luck, we have harvested much wisdom as we move into the troisième.